The Meanest Prank

It was a Thursday night. My parents left for a vacation in Utah. I was scheduled to meet them on Saturday morning at the SLC airport.

So it was only Thursday and I had the night to myself. I decided on dinner at a local pub with a good friend for some good company. We met at Tara's, Sharon and I, for some dinner and a few beers to start the evening.

We talk. I talk about work. She talks about work. We talk about guys and all the other shit two chicks chit-chat about when they get together.

I have a poker game I have to be at by 8:30 pm. So it comes time to leave. I go to the bank. (Get money. Check.) Go to 7Eleven. (Get cigarettes. Check. Coca-cola. Gatorade. EZ Wider Lights. Check. Check. Check.)

Now I'm on my way. I don't even get three minutes away from the bar when I see those red and white lights in the rearview that we all absolutely hate to see.

(Fuck. Put the greens away. Stop packing the bowl. Hide your shit. Fasten your seatbelt. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.)

And I'm on the side of the road. Pulled over. I can't pull over any more. Green out of sight.


"good evening officer"
"license and registration"
(license and registration... license and registration...)
"i have it here somewhere, sir." as i finger through my wallet, slightly shaking fingers, slightly shaking hands, only hoping he won't notice. (AH, my license.) I hand him both requested documents.

"do you know why i pulled you over?"
"no actually i dont"
"were you just in the parking lot at tara's around the corner?"
"yes sir, i was"
"were you drinking?"
(Was I drinking... was I drinking... I don't know, was I drinking?) Quick, answer.
"yes sir, i had a beer with dinner"
"well there was an altercation in the parking lot of tara's with a black car. give me a minute, let me check your license"

Okay. Now I'm practically shitting myself. I didn't have one beer. I had three beers. Not one. Three. Greens were hanging out in the middle console of my bad luck black car. And I felt my future looking a little grim.

So I waited... and waited... and got a more anxious by the second. He took at least ten minutes to check my license. Ten minutes! What about that task would take ten minutes? But at least he came back.

And he asked me to step out of the car...

(Step out of the car?? Are you kidding me? I don't want to step out of the car.) But somehow it wasn't exactly the time to argue about it.

"We're going to do some tests together, okay?" he asks.
Watch what I do and listen to the directions and then you do it, okay?" he tells me.

He does the pen test. CHECK! (I wanted to yell in his face. Bamchickawawa. I'm happy.)

He does the stand on one foot and count to ten out loud test. Took me two tries. (But CHECK! Rocked that one too.)

He made me do the walk nine steps toe-to-toe and walk back test. (CHECK! Suck on that copper!) And just when I thought it was over. Just when I thought I got the best of this officer of the law, he pulled out that little gadget.

That little gadget we all fear seeing after a night of drinking. That little fucking breathalizer. No lying anymore, it was the lie detector of all lie detectors. It was going to tell him exactly how much alcohol was in my little tummy. No more lying. He tells me "blow hard"(... blow hard... yea, I'll show you blow hard.)

"you didn't only have one beer"
"i did, one beer. just one" I stumbled over my words.
"you didn't just have one beer"
"I did. really. I did." (Push the tears, PUSH THE TEARS!) "I mean, seriously, I'm leaving for Utah tomorrow to meet my parents...." now I'm rambling. (He knows I'm lying, I can see it in his eyes!) Paranoia sets in. Fear sets in. And it stops being funny.

"if I checked your car for marijuana, would I find any?"
"no"
(Don't go in my car! Don't go in my car!)
"you're saying i wouldn't find anything in your car?"
"no"
(i'm fucked)

I'm not even thinking anymore. I'm fucked. I'm going to jail. I'm done. Put a fork in me. I'm completely fucked. My parents are gonna kill me. I'm fucked.

"you didn't only have one beer"
"i swear i only had one beer" I'm searching, SEARCHING. Reaching for any hand that was willing to help...
"well, i know you're lying. because your friend Sharon, she told me you had three"


What did I learn? don't drink and drive when hanging out with friends that work at police headquarters.